Ashes to Ashes
by JosephineLL
Summary: A shared tragedy brings Hoshi and Trip together. Complete.
1. Chapter One

Title: Ashes to Ashes  
  
Author: Josephine  
  
E-Mail: Lovellama@aol.com  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Category: Action  
  
Code: Tu/S, others  
  
Summary: A shared tragedy brings Hoshi and Trip together  
  
Author's Notes: Other character death. Much thanks to Jess and Cindi for help and betas  
  
----------  
  
The shuttle shook violently as one by one the engines exploded, sending the small craft into a sickening tailspin. Hoshi desperately hung on to her seat, eyes squeezed tightly shut as Em and Trip tried to contact Enterprise and somehow level out the shuttle.  
  
"It ain't workin'!" Trip's voice held a note of grim determination as his fingers flew across the control board. "Hold on, we're in for a bumpy landin'!"  
  
The mixed sound of metal and trees crashing into each other filled Hoshi's ears as her body was flung every which way against the restraining harness. Debris hit her in the face and she flung up her arms to protect herself.  
  
Suddenly the shuttle went end over end, crashing to the planet's surface with one last creaking groan of metal.  
  
-----  
  
Hoshi slowly opened her eyes, blinking against the light coming in from a gaping hole in the shuttle's side. Moving gingerly, she shifted slightly to make sure nothing was broken. She sighed in relief, as there were no sharp, debilitating pains, only a dull ache in her head and side.  
  
"Hosh? You alright back there?" Trip made his way back from the pilot's seat, limping slightly as he came to kneel in front of her.  
  
"Yeah, just a few bumps and bruises." Together they got her harness off, but when Hoshi stood up she hissed in pain.  
  
"What is it?" Trip's hands hovered over her body, not wanting to touch her in case he hit a sore spot, his eyes locked on her face trying to read what was wrong.  
  
"Ribs." Hoshi's breathing turned shallow as she tried ease the pain. "I think a few are broken."  
  
Helping her sit down again, Trip leaned over and got the first aid kit from a storage locker. "We'll have to wrap them. This will help." Taking out a hypospray, he injected an analgesic into her neck.  
  
"What about Em?" Hoshi's eyes were closed against the pain, so she didn't see the grim expression on his face.  
  
"She's dead."  
  
"Oh God." Eyes flying open at his words, Hoshi looked toward the front of the shuttle. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Pretty much," came his dry rejoinder.  
  
"Of course." Hoshi was silent, thinking of Em as Trip unzipped her uniform and eased her arms out of it. It seemed so hard to imagine her friend gone. "How?"  
  
"Broken neck, I think." Trip looked at her pale face, and squeezed her hand. "It was fast, darlin', she wouldn't have felt anythin'." He eyed her tank bra, the garment extending down her torso. "I think it would be best if the bandages were under that ."  
  
"Close your eyes, Commander." Hoshi tried to pull the tank over her head, but cried out as the motion ground her broken ribs together. "I think I need some help."  
  
Keeping his eyes shut, Trip stuck out his hands. Laughing slightly, Hoshi took them and placed them on the hem of her tank. Gently she raised her arms as Trip pulled the tank over her head.  
  
Crossing her arms over her breasts, Hoshi lifted them out of the way. "Ok, but make it quick," she told him, biting her lip at the residual pain.  
  
Swiftly Trip wrapped her torso, his face mere centimeters from hers. Hoshi could feel his breath on her cheek, feel the heat radiating off him; her stomach did a little flip she blamed on the stress of the situation. He ran his hands over her ribcage, making sure everything was in the right place. Picking up her tank Trip smiled at her. "Ready?"  
  
Hoshi nodded as Trip closed his eyes again, and between the two of them they managed to get her dressed once more. Hoshi stood up and took a few breaths, moving her arms slightly.  
  
"Better?" Trip asked, and she nodded.  
  
"It aches a bit, but yes, it's better." Hoshi looked at him. "Did you get hurt?"  
  
"Naw, nothin' t' write home about."  
  
Hoshi smiled wanly at his poor attempt at humor, then got up and made her way to the front of the shuttle. Kneeling by Em, she laid her hand against her friend's cheek.  
  
"She's so cold already ." Memories of Em began to run through Hoshi's mind; how she had helped her with her target practice when Malcolm got too impatient and frustrated with her, late nights spent over sangria cataloguing the finer points of their male counterparts .  
  
"Hoshi?"  
  
Trip's hand on her shoulder startled her, and Hoshi blinked back tears as she stood up.  
  
"I'm sorry ."  
  
"It's ok. I need some help getting' the stuff out."  
  
Looking past him Hoshi saw Trip had opened the hatch and started breaking out the survival gear. Grabbing a light container she took it out of the shuttle, stacking it on a nearby pile.  
  
Walking around the craft, Hoshi stared at the long swath they had cut through the dense forest, ending in a 10 meter furrow into the ground itself. The raw earth was almost black with organic matter, torn roots sticking up like frozen tentacles. She let her gaze wander up the multitude of tree trunks to the nearly impenetrable canopy above them, it was no wonder there was hardly any underbrush, only a small fraction of sunlight made it through.  
  
Sighing, Hoshi made her way back around and continued helping Trip figure out what was salvageable from the wrecked shuttle.  
  
They were taking a break when Trip spoke up. "I've been thinkin' about Em . what t' do about her."  
  
Hoshi looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
"What t' do with her body. We're gonna have t' cremate her."  
  
"We can't!" Hoshi was aghast. Trip looked over, his turn to be confused.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"She's Catholic. It's against her religion."  
  
Trip waved his arm around, encompassing the forest. "There is no way we could dig a grave in this soil Hosh, even if we did have somethin' t' dig with. I have no idea when Enterprise is gonna find us, and in this heat Em's not gonna last long, t' be blunt." He looked at her with compassion in his eyes. "It's the only way."  
  
"Can't you use the phase pistols to blast a hole in the ground or something?" There was a pleading sound to Hoshi's voice.  
  
"It would take up too much of their power, and we might need them t' defend ourselves." Trip interrupted Hoshi as she began to speak. "Even Em would agree it would be foolish to waste the phasers diggin' her a grave when they could save our lives later on."  
  
They stared at each other a moment, then Hoshi glanced away, nodding. "We'll need to gather some wood, I suppose ."  
  
Squeezing her shoulder, Trip stood up and made his way into the forest, Hoshi close behind. They had to go rather far afield to find branches that hadn't been torn off by the shuttle's decent, and Hoshi could only carry the smaller ones, but in time they had enough to build a decent sized pyre. Hoshi waited as Trip entered the shuttle, coming out with Em in his arms. He laid her down in the middle of the pile of wood, placing a few more pieces to cover her body.  
  
Before he had finished Hoshi stopped him, coming up to take one last look at Em.  
  
"I'm sorry we couldn't bury you, " she said, "I hope He'll understand." Hoshi took Em's hand in her own. "You used to jokingly say that everyday since you got on that ship was a gift from God since it should have blown up before we left our system. Add to that the long list of aliens we got on the bad side of . You credited Malcolm with keeping us alive so long. I wish it could have been longer."  
  
She let Trip finish covering Em, then looked at him as he began to speak. "Dear Lord, we commend t' you this your servant Em Gomez, accept her into your presence so that she may live forever more. 'I am the resurrection and the life, says the Lord: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: and whosoever lives and believeth in me shall never die.' Amen."  
  
A few well-placed phaser blasts set the wood alight; moving next to Trip, Hoshi rested her head on his shoulder as he placed an arm around her. It wasn't until Em's uniform started to burn that Hoshi began to cry, burying her face in his chest, unable to watch. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight as he cried with her, the flames consuming their friend. 


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two  
  
Hoshi had a hard time sleeping that night, she kept going over the events of the day, not quite believing how so much had changed over such a short time.  
  
She and Trip had eaten dinner, then after the remains had been recycled Trip pulled out a deck of cards. He taught her hearts, which she picked up rather quickly; after she beat him two out of three he suggested they switch to poker.  
  
"I'm considered to be a dab hand at his game," he said with a wink.  
  
Hoshi threw down her cards after losing $372.00, the next two shore leaves, and her first-born child to Trip, in addition to taking over any 'morale boosting' assignments the Captain came up with for him for the next two years.  
  
"No fair," she grumbled. "We weren't betting when we played hearts. You'd be working for me if we had."  
  
"Why'd you think I switched on you?" Smiling, Trip shuffled the deck. "Wanna try another game?"  
  
"Em taught me Spades ." Just like that, their god mood evaporated. Hoshi wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, studiously avoiding looking at the co-pilot's seat.  
  
Trip leaned forward and rested his hand on her knee, squeezing slightly. "You about ready t' turn in?"  
  
At her nod, he pulled blankets out of a storage locker, handing one to Hoshi. They settled down on opposite sides of the shuttle, Trip leaving a phase pistol within easy reach, Hoshi turning off the lights, only the emergency beacon light left flashing.  
  
They lay in silence for a few hours while Hoshi tossed and turned, Trip's voice coming out of the darkness.  
  
"It'll get easier to think about her. You'll remember the good times, and while you'll still be sad, it won't hurt as much."  
  
On that note, Hoshi slipped into a fitful sleep.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Hoshi! Hoshi, wake up!"  
  
Hoshi's cries had pulled Trip from a light sleep; going over to her he touched her shoulder, looking down into her dark eyes as she suddenly came awake.  
  
He stayed perfectly still as she sat up, skittering back until she was pressed against the side of the shuttle. Not until her breathing had slowed did Trip make his way to her, his expression and voice calm.  
  
"It's ok, Hosh. It was just a dream." He took her face into his hands and made her look at him, panic still in her eyes.  
  
"No, it wasn't!" Her arms wrapped around her, Hoshi shivered as her eyes darted around the shuttle. "We did crash, and Em . Em did die ."  
  
Trip gathered her close once more as she began to cry, easing down he stiffly lay with her against him, rubbing her back until her sobs tapered off and she softened in her arms.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered against his chest, her breathing still coming in hitches.  
  
"It's'ok," he reassured her.  
  
They lay together, Trip continuing to rub her back although she had calmed considerably and probably didn't need it anymore. But as she didn't tell him to stop, he didn't.  
  
"It's just ." Hoshi's body shuddered in his arms as she took a deep breath. "We haven't really lost anyone. There was Daniels, but . well . no one close. This is the first. I had been in my own little bubble; sure the ship took some damage, a few injuries, but no one . one's died ." her voice ended in a wail.  
  
Trip just held her tighter, laying his cheek on top of her head. He couldn't think of anything to say that would make her feel better, that could ease the pain. Slowly they fell back asleep, still in each other's arms.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Hoshi woke slowly the next morning to find Trip puttering around the shuttle. He smiled at her as she sat up, working the kinks out, wincing at the ache in her ribs.  
  
"Need some more painkiller?" Sitting down next to her, Trip handed Hoshi her breakfast. Pancakes and sausage.  
  
"Maybe half a dose," she answered, shifting around, trying to get comfortable. Even with the sleeping bags the shuttle was equipped with the floor still was hard. Tilting her head, Hoshi gave Trip access to her neck. She shivered slightly as his fingers brushed over her skin, moving her hair out of the way. The soft hiss of the hypospray filled her ear, and she sighed in relief as the analgesic began to work.  
  
Picking up her fork, she noticed a box on the seat next to Trip. "What's that for?" she nodded toward it.  
  
"Huh?" Looking around, Trip spotted the container. "Oh. Thought I'd go see if there was anythin' left of Em."  
  
Hoshi's pancakes got stuck in her throat and she grabbed her water, taking a gulp.  
  
Trip continued, still looking at the box, not noticing the expression on Hoshi's face. "Hot as the fire was, I don't think all the bone would be gone; even if it was I can still gather up most of the ash in the middle. When we get back to the ship we can shoot it off into space, like she wanted."  
  
Hoshi smiled, touched that Trip would think of such a thing.  
  
"Why was it against her religion t' be cremated?" Trip poked at his eggs, finally looking up at Hoshi.  
  
"Em said that you wouldn't have a body to be resurrected if you were cremated. I think." Hoshi frowned, trying to remember.  
  
"Burned away, rotted away, what's the difference? After you're dead, the body doesn't count, only the soul." Trip's voice was testy.  
  
"I don't know," Hoshi said, exasperated. "Only the infidels were cremated or something. I'm Buddhist, I have only a passing acquaintance with Christianity."  
  
"Great," Trip spat out, tossing his breakfast aside. "I couldn't keep her alive in this world, and now she can't get into Heaven 'cause of me." Picking up the box, Trip left the shuttle, ill tempered and out of sorts.  
  
Hoshi sighed, cleaning up after their meal. Rummaging around the shuttle, she found a grate and two curved pieces of rigid plastic. Carrying them out to Trip, she knelt down next to him as he picked through the ashes.  
  
"I thought we could use this as a screen," she said, handing him the grate. "And these to scoop up the pieces ."  
  
"Thanks." Trip got some more branches and angled the grate over them. Working together they began collecting Em's remains.  
  
"Sorry I snapped at ya."  
  
Hoshi looked up, but Trip's head was still bent. "It's ok. What are friends for? Besides, I don't think He'll keep her out of Heaven over this. Too many other things she did." He glanced up, that lazy grin gracing his face. Hoshi's stomach did that little flip again and she wondered what kind of person she was, getting all silly over a boy while sifting through her best friend's remains. She blinked back tears as she realized Em would have probably smacked her upside the head and told her not to be so dramatic. She was always urging Hoshi to do something about her crush on Trip. 'In the midst of Death there is Life' Em used to say, especially after Enterprise had just escaped another drubbing by the skin of her metaphorical teeth.  
  
"You ok?" Trip's hand came out to touch Hoshi's.  
  
"Yeah, just . remembering." She smiled at him, although it was a wobbly one.  
  
"Tonight we'll break out the bourbon and drink to Em. Sound good?"  
  
"Yeah. Sounds good."  
  
~~~~~  
  
They worked hard the rest of the day; amongst other things Trip covered up the hole in the shuttle with a tarp saying if he didn't it would rain, while Hoshi inventoried their supplies.  
  
Around 1700 hours it began to get dark, and a hollow drumming sound started up. Soon afterward the rain worked itself through the dense canopy above, causing Trip and Hoshi to scurry into the shuttle.  
  
"Guess you were right about the rain," Hoshi said as she stripped off her damp uniform.  
  
"Thought the trees would make a better umbrella than they did, though," groused Trip as he too got down to his Starfleet issued blue underwear.  
  
Dinner was perfunctory; Trip commenting that if the powers that be could build a Warp Five engine they should be able to make field rations that at least were somewhat palatable. After cleaning up which basically just entailed throwing the containers into the recycling, Trip got out the bottle of bourbon and broke open the seal. Pouring Hoshi a finger or two, he did the same for himself, then offered up a toast.  
  
"To Em."  
  
Hoshi raised her glass too, then tossed back the bourbon in one swallow, motioning for more. Trip raised an eyebrow, but did as she asked.  
  
The rest of the night passed easily, Trip rationing out the bourbon for Hoshi while nursing his own drink. Hoshi slipped into happy drunk mode, reminiscing about exploits she had shared with Em. Trip laughed along with her, sharing some of his own stories, happy at the way Hoshi was opening up.  
  
Soon she was yawning though, blinking bleary eyed. She laid down, pulling the blanket over her and he lay next to her, listening to the rain on the shuttle roof. 


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three  
  
"Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, come in please. Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, do you read? Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, come in please. Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, do you read?"  
  
Hoshi stirred in her sleep, waking slowly. She opened her eyes, blinking in the low light of the lantern Trip had made to ward of the complete blackness that night brought. Closing them again, she snuggled closer to Trip, enjoying the clandestine feel of him against her. No matter how far apart they started out, somehow by morning they woke up in each other's arms. The first time had been rather embarrassing, but five nights later it didn't seem to matter as much.  
  
Just about to drift off again, the sound that had woken Hoshi up finally made its way to her brain.  
  
They found us .  
  
"Trip! Wake up!" She shook his arm roughly.  
  
"What is it?" He was instantly awake, grabbing the nearby phase pistol and crouching over on Hoshi, protecting her from the unknown threat with his body.  
  
"Get off!" Squirming under him, Hoshi tried ineffectually to push at him, finally giving up and accepting his weight on her. "Listen!!"  
  
"Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, come in please. Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, do you read? Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, come in please. Enterprise to Shuttlepod Two, do you read?"  
  
Trip jumped up, nearly stepping on Hoshi, and ran to the front of the pod, slipping into the pilot's chair. "It's Enterprise!"  
  
"No kidding," Hoshi grumbled, getting up herself and standing behind Trip, placing a hand on his shoulder and gripping tightly in her excitement. She resolutely looked away from the chair Em died in.  
  
Flipping a few switches, Trip answered the hail. "Shuttlepod Two to Enterprise, we read you, come in Enterprise." He waited, nearly bouncing in his seat. "Shuttlepod Two to Enterprise, come in Enterprise. Why don't they answer?" he added, getting antsy.  
  
"It's an automated call, be patient, Commander. They'll answer."  
  
"Trip!!" Archer's voice held obvious relief. "Was starting to wonder if we'd ever find you! Is everyone ok?"  
  
"Yeah, we're all fine!" Trip's elated stance slumped the next moment as he remembered. "Actually, we're not." He looked over at Hoshi, his despair mirrored in her face. "Lieutenant Gonzalez is dead. Died on impact, broken neck I think."  
  
"I'm sorry, Trip. I'll tell Malcolm. I know the Armory is going to miss her." A sigh was heard as Archer paused. "What shape is the shuttle in? Could you fly her out with some repairs?"  
  
"Naw, the shuttle's a lost cause, Cap'n. Structural damage is too great. She could be stripped, though. We could use the parts to repair the others."  
  
"Ok. I'll send down One with a group of your engineers. They can start breaking down Two while you come back."  
  
"Sounds good, Cap'n. You might want to let Travis bring her in; the canopy over us is right thick. The only way in is probably the hole we made crashin'."  
  
Archer laughed. "Will do Trip." There was another pause. "T'Pol just said it's a good thing the beacon wasn't damage, we'd of had a hard time separating your signs from all the biomatter down there. Is Hoshi with you?"  
  
"I'm fine Captain," she answered. "Looking forward to getting back on board, sir."  
  
"We'll see you two in a couple of hours. Archer out."  
  
"Yahoo!" Trip leapt out of his seat and grabbed Hoshi up in his arms, spinning her around and planting a kiss on her surprised face.  
  
Time stood still for her as Trip bent his head; the feel of his firm mouth against hers, the scratch of is beard against her cheek, the beat of his heart under her hands. Hoshi closed her eyes, committing this moment to memory.  
  
Then she stumbled as he dropped her and rushed through the shuttle, breaking it down in his mind, figuring out how to transport it all back.  
  
"Trip," Hoshi tried to get his attention. "Trip!"  
  
"What?" he answered, not paying her too much mind.  
  
She stomped up to him and took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "It's the middle of the night and we didn't get much sleep. Let's go back to bed until they get here."  
  
"I'm not tired." Trip squirmed within her hold, but she tightened her grip.  
  
"Well I am." A yawn split her face even as she tried to keep it under control. "See? And you are too. You're not going to be any good to your men exhausted."  
  
Hoshi looked into his blue eyes, not budging.  
  
"Yes Mom." The tone was petulant, but those eyes held a mischievous glint.  
  
"Good boy." She patted his cheek. "Now come to bed."  
  
Trip chucked at her words and Hoshi blushed, glad that the low light hid her reaction. They lay down next to each other, and Hoshi was glad of these last few moments she had with him.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The whine of the shuttlepod's engines woke them up, and by the time the craft touched down nearby they were standing by their crippled pod, waving at Travis. Phlox was the first one out, and he hurried over to Hoshi and Trip as the engineering team poured out of the shuttle.  
  
"Commander! Ensign! So nice to see you again!" An extremely wide smile graced the doctor's face.  
  
"Glad t' see you too, doc," Trip automatically answered, his eyes going to his crew. "Why don't' ya check out Hosh here first while I get my team set up." Not giving the doctor any chance to agree or not, Trip strode off.  
  
"Well." Phlox looked at Hoshi. "Shall we get started?"  
  
"Yeah, sure ." Hoshi watched Trip walk away, feeling alone amongst the rest of the people. Even just seven days of being alone with Trip had gotten her used to having him around all the time. Now without him, she felt like a ship missing its ballast.  
  
"Let's sit over here ." Leading Hoshi away from the mass of crewmen swarming all over the shuttle, Phlox had her sit down on a log and began to run a scanner over her. "The Captain told me Lieutenant Gomez died in the crash." He glanced down at her.  
  
"Yeah ." Hoshi rubbed her palms on her thighs. "Trip said it was a broken neck. He said she didn't feel anything, that it was fast."  
  
"How do you feel about it?"  
  
"She was my best friend. I'm sad, upset . it seems such a random way to die. Maybe if Trip had gotten the nose up sooner, or later, maybe we wouldn't have hit that one tree that caused the jolt that made her neck snap; maybe if she had been doing something else, maybe she would have been braced better and her neck wouldn't have snapped; maybe if she was in the back with me, maybe if I had taken the co pilot's seat instead, maybe she wouldn't have been in the position to get her neck snapped at all -"  
  
"Ensign!" At Phlox's urgent voice Hoshi broke off, realizing he had been trying to get her attention for a while. "Did you and the Lieutenant change seats? Were you supposed to sit in the front?"  
  
"No, I always sit in the back. Why?" She looked at him, slightly confused.  
  
"There is a phenomenon called 'survivor's syndrome'. Those that have survived a tragedy feel guilty for being alive, even though it was no fault of theirs that others died." Phlox looked back at Hoshi, searching her face. "Do you feel this way?"  
  
"I . I don't know. I know there was nothing I could have done to save Em, but still ." Hosh wrapped her arms around herself. "She looked fine, no scratches on her, no blood; I see her body burning and I think 'Get up Em! Get up!', but she doesn't. Or she does, and she reaches out to me, calling 'Help me! I'm not dead!', but it's too late and the fire is consuming her ."  
  
"Do you have these nightmares often?" The doctor's voice was low, soothing.  
  
Hoshi glanced up, surprised. "Do I?" She thought for a moment. "I don't think so . I remember them, but I don't remember having them."  
  
"If you do start remembering having them, or if you start feeling depressed, anti-social, you can't sleep, anything out of the ordinary, come and see me." Phlox picked up a few vials, injection them into Hoshi's neck. "These are just vitamins and some antibiotics, your seven days stranded hasn't really done you any harm, physically that is. Your ribs are well on their way to being healed. Take the next few days off, and we'll see how you're doing." Phlox's wide smile split his face.  
  
Hoshi nodded, and walked over to Shuttlepod One as he went to find Trip.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The journey back was uneventful; but still Hoshi's hands were clenched in her lap from the moment she buckled in to the reassuring thump as they were brought up into Enterprise. Trip and Travis had spent the time chatting about what had been going on while they were gone, steering clear of Em's death. She and Phlox were silent the entire trip.  
  
Jon gave her a bear hug the moment she stepped off the shuttle, clapping Trip on the back and hugging him also.  
  
"You've got the next few days off, you two, go get some rest." He looked into her face for a moment. "You ok, Hoshi?"  
  
She smiled gently at him. "I will be." Leaving Trip to update Jon on how much of the shuttle could be salvaged, Hoshi slowly walked to her cabin. She was stopped along the way by various friends and crewmates, all glad to have her back. But no one mentioned Em.  
  
Finally making it though her doorway, Hoshi stripped to her skin and shoved her clothes down the laundry chute. Stepping into the shower she turned it to hot, letting the water ease the aches from her muscles. She scrubbed hard, getting rid of seven days worth of dirt, washing her hair twice. Eventually she decided she was as clean as she was going to get, and drying herself off Hoshi got into her pajamas and went to bed.  
  
But it was strange, not having Trip close by, hearing his breathing, feeling the warmth coming off his body. Finally she fell into an uneasy, restless sleep.  
  
That's when the nightmares came back. 


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four   
  
  
_Slowly, like coming out of a fog, you become aware of your surroundings. You're in the shuttle, dappled light coming in through the shattered front windscreen to make mottled patterns on your uniform. You try to get up, but your body won't obey. Trip comes to you, and you feel his warm fingers on the cool skin of your throat. An infinitely sad look crosses his face, and he reaches up to close your eyes.   
  
'No! No!' your mind screams as you desperately try to move. You hear Em's voice, and a soft hand touches your cheek.   
  
Then arms reach under you, carrying you out of the shuttle, laying you down. Whatever you are on digs sharply into your skin, and you cry out at the pain. But no one heeds you, as you cannot speak.   
  
You hear murmuring voices, and although you cannot understand them, they sound sad. You wonder where you are, what is happening, then the sound of phaser blasts nearly deafens you. A crackling sound is hard on its heels, and in growing horror you realize what is going on.   
  
You cry, you plead, you beg for them to not to do this, you're still alive, can't they tell? But soon the flames are licking at your uniform; soon the scent of charred hair and cotton fills your nose, followed by the sickly stench of burning flesh.   
  
And the pain.   
  
Such agonizing pain that you can't get away from though you try, it races across your body, making you giddy as the endorphins kick in. It goes on for what seems like an eternity, and as your eyelids are finally burnt off the last thing you see through black smoke is, once again, the dappled sunlight._   
  
~~~~~   
  
Hoshi woke with a choked scream, scuttling across her bunk to escape the flames. Slowly she realized there was no fire, that she was in her cabin, aboard Enterprise. She was alive.   
  
Unlike Em.   
  
Shaking at how real the dream was, she made her way to the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. Hoshi avoided the mirror, not willing to meet her accusing gaze.   
  
_There's nothing you could have done for her. She was dead before you hit the ground. She didn't feel a thing._   
  
Trying to set aside her dream, Hoshi dried off and went back into her cabin. She wavered at the thought of going back to sleep, even though it was still early. The bed seemed too much like the pyre they had put Em in. With a resigned sigh she got dressed, grabbed a handful of PADDs and made her way to the mess hall.   
  
~~~~~   
  
The day past slowly for Hoshi; they didn't meet up with any other ships, and without much to do, fragments of her dream kept coming back to her. One moment shei would be cataloging a new language, then next she would be gasping for breath, trying to block out the roaring sound of flames. Somehow Hoshi made it through her shift and spent a dismal half hour with Trip and Malcolm, picking at her dinner, trying to keep up her part of the conversation. Finally giving up on eating she wandered the ship for a while, nodding at friends, but quickly passing them by. Eventually she turned her feet toward her deck, and eighteen hours after she left it an extremely weary Hoshi entered her cabin.   
  
Stripping off her clothes she stepped into the shower, letting the hot water ease the ache in her muscles. Hoshi stood there until her skin turned pink, only the incessant sound of her door chime made her get out and answer it.   
  
"Hey Hosh, got somethin' for ya." Trip tossed a data chip from hand to hand, waiting for her to let him in.   
  
"What?" Looking at him curiously, Hoshi backed up, sitting on the short couch.   
  
"It's Em's will." Trip noticed the sudden tension in Hoshi's frame. "Cap'n asked me t' give it t' you." He held out the blue tinged chip, waiting for her to take it.   
  
Slowly she reached out, picking up the chip with surprisingly steady hands. It was warm from him holding it, and she turned it over, staring at the light catching the corners.   
  
"D'you want me to stay?"   
  
"What?" Hoshi looked up, startled.   
  
Trip motioned toward the chip. "Do you want me t' stay with you while you watch it? I could come back if you don't want to do it now."   
  
She really didn't want to do it at all, but Hoshi knew the sooner she got it over with the better. Walking over to her desk, she slipped the chip into a data port and opened the file. Em's visage flicked to life, and Hoshi sucked in a breath as Trip came up behind her. Placing a hand on her shoulder, he squeezed gently in encouragement.   
  
"Hey Hoshi." Em smiled, and Hoshi smiled back at her friend. "If you're listening to this, it means I'm dead." Em laughed slightly. "But you already know that. You should already know too that you're the executor of this will, unless all those sangrias you drank fucked you up even more than I thought. There really isn't much, it's all spelled out in an attachment; I've got stuff goin' to my nieces and nephews, some bequests, that kinda stuff. Malcolm and the Armory crew get first dibs on my knife collection, I think they would appreciate it the most. Lieutenant Hess said she liked my black velvet dress, and Alison said she wanted my Prada boots, I of course told her over my dead body. Well, guess what?" Em gave a wry grin, Hoshi a watery chuckle.   
  
"I've got something for you too, and you can't say no. I'm leaving you my apartment in San Francisco. I know you don't have one there, hell, you were living in faculty housing in Brazil; you don't have anywhere, so take it, ok? I sure don't need it anymore."   
  
Em smiled at Hoshi again, a little wobbly this time. "Take care, Hoshi. Love ya, babe." The screen suddenly went dark, and Hoshi jumped a little at the abruptness.   
  
Trip knelt down beside her, placing a hand on her knee. "You ok, Hosh?"   
  
She stared down at it, warmth seeping through the thin cotton of her robe. Her heart gave a painful thump. "I …" Seeing Em had brought the nightmare back in full force. Glancing at the bed, Hoshi debated asking if he would stay. "I'm fine."   
  
For a moment Trip looked like he didn't believe her, then he nodded and stood up. "If you need anything', let me know."   
  
Hoshi flashed him a brief, tight smile. After he had let himself out, she crawled into her bunk, wrapping herself up in the blanket.   
  
"Lights, off."   
  
Plunged into darkness, Hoshi screwed her eyes shut and waited.   
  



	5. Chapter Five

*****  
  
Chapter Five   
  
  
_Another ship is detected on long-range sensors, and Enterprise drops out of warp to say hello. The Captain is enthused, as always, about meeting new friends; but, as always, T'Pol and Reed are wary. You send the usual hail, explaining who you are and why you're out here, but your only answer is silence.   
  
Until their weapons fire upon you, casually reaching out and severing one of the warp nacelles like silk before a tempered blade. Your vaunted polarized plating is nothing to these aliens, the hull easily peeling back for them.   
  
Once the Captain gives the command to return fire Reed throws everything you have at your nemesis, but the photon torpedoes bounce harmlessly off, and the phase cannons barely cause their shields to crackle.   
  
Circuits are blowing everywhere, the sharp acrid smell filling the bridge. You try to control the many fires that have sprung up, as it's obvious these aliens aren't responding to your pleas for mercy, but the Captain pulls you away, and says to abandon ship. You reach out to send the preset message throughout the ship and get off a distress call, barely hitting the button before you're yanked back, a strut demolishing your console and chair.   
  
Over the screams of crewmates and the groans of stressed metal you hear the automated self-destruct starting to count down. You wonder how you'll ever get to the escape pods in what little time you have left.   
  
Coughing through the thick smoke, you make your way to the lift by rote, stumbling over debris on the deck. One of them gives slightly, and you bend down to discover T'Pol, a charred, dark green hole in her chest, sightless eyes staring at you.   
  
You choke back your bile, running for the lift as Reed yells at you to move. The ride down to C deck is silent, four of you crammed in the tiny tube. Your eyes are closed and your lips move silently, praying that you make it, praying to live, just praying.   
  
Running down the dark corridors you find the living, the dead, and the dying. The Captain won't leave anyone even remotely alive behind, and soon you're helping Rostov and Cole make it to the escape pods.   
  
The ship is still shaking under you, the smoke is getting thicker, your only source of light the sparks coming off of severed electrical wiring and shorted out circuit boards. Tucker is in the lead, following the map of the ship in his head. You are hopelessly lost by now, finding your way only by the faint sound of boot steps and shouts in front of you.   
  
Cole becomes a dead weight against you, and you call for help. Putting Chef and Hess down, Reed makes his way back to you, placing his fingers against Cole's neck. He shakes his head at you, then helps settle Rostov in a better position before taking up his own load and starting up again. Trying to catch up you don't spare Cole a glance, guilty that you're relieved at the lighter burden.   
  
Your small group tumbles into an escape pod, gulping in the relatively clear air. The Captain stands outside the hatch, waiting for more survivors, until you want to scream at him to get in. He looks back at what is left of his bridge crew, and takes a step back. The blood drains from your face as you realize what he's going to do, and a strangled 'No!' is torn from your throat. Reed reaches out, pulling him into the pod and hitting the release switch to shut the hatch. The two men stare at each other, daring the other to say something as the pod is jettisoned from the ship with an explosion of decompressed air.   
  
For a moment you fear the Captain and Reed will come to blows until a gasp from Mayweather draws your attention to the aft portholes. It's Enterprise. She's listing in space, looking half completed. But she's being taken apart, not put together, and as you watch blood red beams lance out from the alien ship, continuing to cut her to pieces.   
  
'Five more seconds,' says Tucker, and you blindly reach out to take his hand, gripping it with such force your knuckles turn white as Enterprise, your home for the past two and a half years, explodes in a fiery display.   
  
You stare in shock at the blackened debris flying by you, the pod rocked from the blast, when a strangled 'Oh God' breaks your trance. You watch in growing horror as one by one the escape pods are picked off, the alien ship getting closer and closer to your pathetic little craft.   
  
You bury your face against Tucker's shoulder, holding him tight as his arms come around you. Holding your breath, you wait for the end._   
  
~~~~~   
  
Hoshi's eyes flew open, staring unseeing at the ceiling above her. Her breaths came in great gasps and her heart beat painfully as she lay there, unable to move. Images of Enterprise exploding, of T'Pol laying dead on the bridge deck, of her last moments in the pod ran through her head. This was the third nightmare in as many days.   
  
Slowly her breathing calmed, her heart slowed, and the paralysis left her. Getting up Hoshi peeled off her nightshirt and got into the shower, standing under the cold water until she was awake. She put on her uniform, grabbed her stack of ever-present PADDs and went in search of coffee.   
  
~~~~~   
  
" … anyway, that's how **I** feel about it." Malcolm looked over at Trip. "What do you think?"   
  
"Huh?" Trip tore his gaze away from the corner of the mess hall where Hoshi was sitting alone. "Have you guys noticed Hoshi doesn't look to good lately?"   
  
Malcolm sighed. "She has been looking a bit tired; the stress of being marooned with only you for company is probably catching up with her." Travis bit back a laugh. Malcolm followed Trip's eyes to see Hoshi huddled over her PADD, her lunch barely touched. "She and Lieutenant Gomez were best friends," he added.   
  
Shaking his head, Trip frowned. "Naw, it's more than that. I mean, everyone grieves in their own way, but this … there's somethin' else goin' on … I'm gonna talk t' Phlox about it."   
  
~~~~~   
  
T'Pol glanced up from her console, looking thoughtfully at Hoshi. The linguist drooped in her chair, although her fingers were steadily entering data. She seemed lethargic, and the Vulcan had noticed dark circles under her eyes.   
  
"Ensign." At the colorless voice Hoshi's head snapped up. "Have you finished categorizing the Erithrum language?"   
  
"Yes, I have." Hoshi pressed a few buttons. "You should be getting it now."   
  
"Have you started on the transmissions we received from Starfleet during Gamma shift?"   
  
"All done."   
  
"The protocols for Echo Four?"   
  
"Finished."   
  
An arched eyebrow went up. "Send me all the files you have completed." It stayed up as T'Pol realized Hoshi had cleared about 80% of the Communications backlog list. "While your diligence is commendable, Ensign, you should not have sacrificed your health to complete these. There was … 'no rush'."   
  
Hoshi lifted one slim shoulder. "I had the time. I couldn't sleep."   
  
"Perhaps …" she broke off as Archer came out of his ready room, calling to Hoshi. Trip moved out from behind him and went to his station, trying hard not to look guilty.   
  
"Phlox wants to see you after your shift, Hoshi." Archer waited until she nodded at him, then pretended to be busy with a PADD. Trip was right, she looked tired. He kicked himself for not noticing sooner.   
  
~~~~~   
  
Phlox looked unblinkingly at Hoshi until she flushed and glanced away. "You're not eating, you're not sleeping; while your work output has increased, you're proficiency rating has gone down. What's happening? Is it Lieutenant Gomez's death?"   
  
Skirting the issue, Hoshi answered, "I'm eating. And sleeping."   
  
"Not enough."   
  
"I'm not that hungry. Or tired." She shifted slightly on the biobed.   
  
"You're very tired." Phlox continued to gaze at her.   
  
"I can't sleep," Hoshi said on a near whisper.   
  
"Would you like something to help you sleep?"   
  
"Yes." She grabbed at the excuse to just get out of there, get away from Phlox's knowing look.   
  
He turned, and opening a cabinet took out a large jar of dark green capsules. Measuring out a few, he put them in a bottle and handed it to Hoshi. "One before bedtime. Give it awhile to work."   
  
"Thanks." She took the container and practically ran out of Sickbay.   
  
~~~~~   
  
The soft glow of her screen illuminated Hoshi's face as she sat at her desk, working on another project that didn't need to be finished for another three months. A yawn split her face. "Lights, level ten." A bright, unnatural glare filled the room.   
  
The door chime sounded, and Hoshi stared at it dumbly until it rang again. She shook her head to clear it and called out 'Come!'.   
  
"Hey Hosh." Trip walk in, blinking. "Kinda bright in here, huh?"   
  
"Oh, sorry … lights, level eight." They just stared at each other a moment.   
  
"Yeah, well, I was headed back t' my cabin, about t' turn in, thought I'd come see how you're doin'." He smiled at her.   
  
"I'm fine," Hoshi nodded. "Thanks for asking."   
  
Another pause.   
  
"Thought you'd be asleep by now."   
  
"I … lost track of the time."   
  
"Oh." Trip rocked back and forth on his heels. "Well, I should go then …"   
  
Hoshi jumped up suddenly, surprising Trip and making him step back. "No, it's ok, stay." She moved to the small couch and patted beside her. If he stayed, he would keep her awake and she wouldn't sleep, and if she didn't sleep she wouldn't dream …   
  
"Alright." Gingerly Trip sat next to her, wondering what she was up to. He watched as she turned a yawn into a little cough. "You sure you want me t' stay?"   
  
"Of course!" She blinked at him. "How is everything?"   
  
"Fiiine …" He frowned as she fought to keep her eyes open. "My nephew is startin' the soccer season pretty soon, he plays goalie. My brother-in-law still laments the fact they don't have a 'real' football team over there …" Trip turned his voice into a monotone, talking about anything under the sun as Hoshi's eyes finally drifted shut and she fell asleep against his shoulder. He stayed like that for a while, making sure she wasn't going to waken, then lifted her up in his arms and laid her on her bunk.   
  
Pulling the blanket over her, Trip gazed down at Hoshi and sighed. The dark blue smudges under her eyes were more pronounced, and she looked exhausted. Something was wrong, but what?   
  
  
  
*****  
  
  



	6. Chapter Six

*****  
  
The science for the warp core is, in all likelihood, incorrect, but as Hoshi really doesn't know how it works, and this is her dream, it works like this for her. 

  
*****   
  
Chapter Six   
  
  
_You're walking along one of the ship's many corridors when suddenly the lights turn red and the claxon sounds. You cover your ears with your hands, wondering if the ship is under attack. But no call from the bridge comes for you, so you make your way back to your cabin, fighting through the press of bodies going the other way.   
  
You turn down a strangely empty corridor and stop short as you see the ceiling above is dripping great globs of some viscous material. Slowly you approach, realizing that the globs are metal, that the ceiling itself is melting. You feel the incredible heat coming from the alloy, and with a bizarre squelch a large glowing mass drops through. Part of you hears the warnings over the comm about a warp core breach, while the rest of you stares in fascination at the molten mass not three feet in front of you.   
  
Radiation is coursing through your body, you can feel the burns beginning; amazed you look up through the hole in the ceiling to see Tucker on a catwalk above, motioning to you. He's telling you to run, to get out, and with a sickening understanding you realize you are on the outermost deck.   
  
The core has melted halfway through the plating by now, and you slowly back up, but it's too late. An odd slurping sound is made, and almost simultaneously the mass disappears and you are sucked out into space.   
  
It's cold, colder than you ever thought possible, but beautiful at the same time. In the seconds before you freeze you see Enterprise floating serenely amongst the stars, a gaping hole in her side; and you realize how very far from home you are._   
  
~~~~~   
  
After putting Hoshi to bed, Trip puttered around her room straightening up, putting things away. Ever since they had gotten back from the planet Hoshi had begun not to care much about anything, and her cabin showed it.   
  
Just as he was about to leave, strangled cry made him turn. Hoshi was thrashing in her bunk, mumbling words he couldn't understand.   
  
"Hoshi! Wake up!" Rushing over, Trip caught her up by the shoulders. Finally her eyes popped open, staring unseeing at the ceiling. Her breaths came in great gulps. "Darlin', what is it?" As she began to shake, Trip gathered her up in his arms.   
  
"Shh, it's ok; damn, Hosh, you're like ice! What was it?"   
  
Hosh clutched at him as tears poured down her face. She couldn't speak, and just buried herself against him, seeking his warmth.   
  
"I … died. Again." He voice was muffled against his shirt.   
  
"Again? Have you been havin' the same nightmare every night?" Trip lifted her head up to look in her eyes. They were wide, and scared; the horrors she dreamed still lingering in her mind.   
  
"Not the same." Hoshi tried to look away, but Trip wouldn't let her. "Different ones. But the end is the same: I die."   
  
"Tell me about them," Trip asked, sitting against the bulkhead and pulling her to him. Hoshi rested her head on his chest, listening to the reassuring beat of his heart.   
  
"In the first one I was killed instead of Em, but somehow I was still alive, and could feel the fire as you cremated me. Then there was one were we were attacked and had to abandon ship, and the escape pods were picked off one by one; tonight's was where the warp core melted through the ship and I was sucked out into space."   
  
Hugging her tight in sympathy, Trip laid his cheek on her head. "I think you should go talk to Phlox. No, you should," he emphasized as she stiffened in his arms. "You're suffering from classic post traumatic stress, probably with a good dose of survivor's syndrome mixed in. You're going to have to learn to cope with what happened, and realize it's not your fault Em died, or you survived; if you don't you'll just get worse. Talk to Phlox." He tilted her head up to look at her again. "Promise me. Don't make me pull rank on you Ensign." The words were serious, but softened by a smile.   
  
Hoshi gave him a small smile back. "Yessir."   
  
"Back into bed, Hosh." Untangling himself from her, Trip pulled the blanket over Hoshi as she settled down. He picked up a fuzzy blob of a thing. "And here's your … ah …"   
  
"Stuffed slug." Hoshi grabbed it out of his hand. "His name is Sylvester," she added in a voice that practically dared Trip to say anything.   
  
"Of course." Manfully Trip bit back a laugh, his face turning serious a moment later. "You gonna be ok? Think the nightmare'll come back?" Absent-mindedly he reached out to brush a stand of hair off her face.   
  
"I don't know." Hoshi snuggled Sylvester closer to her. "I've never gone back to sleep after one."   
  
"It shows. Try and at least get some rest, if you can't sleep, ok? And talk t' Phlox first thing in the mornin'."   
  
"Ok."   
  
"Night then." Trip turned down the lights and left Hoshi staring at the stars streaming past her window.   
  
With a sigh she burrowed deeper under her blanket, waiting.   
  
~~~~~   
  
"Ensign!" Phlox's smile creased his face as Hoshi came into Sickbay. "I was just about to send a corpsman out to search for you." The doctor looked at her a moment. "Commander Tucker told me you were having trouble sleeping. Nightmares, is it?" He ran a scanner over Hoshi as he talked, injecting a few 'Hmms' every now and then.   
  
"You're still malnourished, and borderline vitamin deficient. Ribs have healed nicely though …" Flipping off the scanner Phlox watched Hoshi thoughtfully. "Nightmares, not sleeping, not eating … when you are in the mess hall you're by yourself, and I didn't see you at movie night … I told you to come see me if things got worse, Ensign, and they have."   
  
"I … I just …"   
  
"I know," reassured Phlox. "It's part and parcel of what you're going through. Now then, you were sleeping fine on the planet; and although you were having some nightmares you weren't remembering them. Apparently they weren't vivid enough to wake you. Why? Was it because you were in a different environment, that when you got back to Enterprise you realized Lieutenant Gomez was truly gone?"   
  
Hoshi shook her head slowly. "I don't think so. They started right after she died, not when we got back. Sometimes Em and I would go a few days without seeing each other, so it wasn't like I missed her right away …"   
  
Phlox studied her a bit more. "Was it Commander Tucker?" Hoshi's head popped up at that innocuous question.   
  
"Why would it be?" she asked, her tone slightly too sharp.   
  
Phlox shrugged. "Having someone else there may have made you feel more secure, safe, protected. That you had someone else to turn to if something happened. In your cabin you're alone; it's just you and your fears."   
  
"Maybe …" Hoshi stared at the floor. "But I certainly can't have Tri … Commander Tucker stay with me every night in hopes that the dreams will go away."   
  
"Why not?" Phlox looked puzzled. "And it would be in conjunction with the counseling you would have with me, eventually you wouldn't need him anymore."   
  
"It would be inappropriate, that's why." A mulish set came to Hoshi's jaw. "I'll do the counseling, but no sleepovers with the Commander."   
  
Phlox gazed at her serenely. "Very well. I'll see you at 1700 for your first session."   
  
~~~~~   
  
"Hey Hosh." Glancing up from her lunch, Hoshi watched as Trip slid into the seat next to her. "Did you see Phlox t'day?"   
  
"This morning." She poked at the salad she was attempting to eat.   
  
"How'd it go?" Trip mumbled around a bite of his sandwich.   
  
Lifting a slim shoulder in a half shrug, Hoshi kept her eyes on a tomato that was resisting being stabbed by her fork. "Ok. I start counseling after my shift."   
  
"So what's gonna happen?"   
  
"I … I don't know. Phlox didn't say."   
  
"Yeah well, he probably has his own unusual methods. But whatever works, right Hosh?" Trip gave her an encouraging grin.   
  
"Yeah," she echoed faintly. "Whatever works." She hoped he couldn't see the slight blush staining her cheeks.   
  
~~~~~   
  
Hoshi climbed into bed and laid back against the pillow, clutching Sylvester to her. Phlox said one session wasn't going to make a difference, but she was determined to make this work. While spending the night with Trip had its allure, having him pressed against her in this small bunk opened up a Pandora's box Hoshi didn't think she could close.   
  
I can get through this, she told herself, breathing deeply. She could, and she would, because she had to.   
  
  



	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

_The creaks and groans of stressed metal are loud in your ears, and you nervously look over at T'Pol and Reed as they try and figure out how to stop the Bird of Prey from sinking further into the gas giant. Individual torpedoes aren't working, so you suggest detonating them all. Your crewmates agree, but they misjudge the distance, and the shock from the weapons rips a hole in the side of the Klingon ship. The already strained hull tears like tissue paper under the force, and you grab hold of something as you're knocked off your feet. Toxic gases replace the oxygen and you choke, your vision growing dark before you die …_

_You're standing on the bridge with a Suliban holding a phaser to your temple. He wants to know if the discs have been copied, but doesn't believe your answer. His multi-irised eyes are flat and cold, and while on the outside you are calm, inside your stomach is roiling. Once more he asks his question, and once more he isn't satisfied with the answer. Tucker starts to defend you, but before he says anything the Suliban fires. The light blinds you at first, but the pain that comes instantly on its heels takes over; searing through you in the few seconds you have left before your brain shuts down, and once more you die …_

_You never trusted the transporter, and now it seems as if your fears were justified. You've slowly become insubstantial, and everyone believes you're dead. You try to let them know you're still alive, but either no one pays any attention to your attempts at communication, or they dismiss them as electrical glitches. You're translucent even to yourself now, and as you fade away your consciousness slowly disperses as yet again you die …_

* * *

She couldn't do this. Hoshi stared at her bunk, not wanting to get in. Her blood was pounding in her ears, it felt like she had a great weight pressing down on her chest, and she was literally trembling. Three nights in a row Hoshi had dreamed, and every morning she had woken huddled under her blanket, trying to drive the horrific images from her head. The most recent dream had been the worst of them all; she had to punch the bulkhead to convince her she was solid. The calming techniques Phlox had showed her weren't helping; desperate Hoshi had even tried the system T'Pol had taught her on the Klingon ship.

But there was no change in the intensity of the nightmares, and her appetite hadn't returned. Yesterday Hoshi plastered a smile on her face and asked the Quartermaster to give her the next size down in uniforms; the new exercise regimen she had started was working wonders …

The chime made her jump, and warily she went to answer it. The door opened to reveal Trip in loose cotton drawstring pants and a Starfleet Academy t-shirt, a pillow tucked under his arm.

"Hey Hosh." They looked at each other a moment. "Mind if I come in?"

Shaking her head Hoshi turned and went to stand by her desk, arms wrapped defensively around herself. She jerked her head at the pillow. "What's that for?"

Trip tossed it on the small couch behind him. "Phlox told me you're not respondin' t' the treatment for your stress, and he suggested another way t' approach it."

Hoshi hunched in on herself. "I'm not sleeping with you."

"You won't be, I'm gonna sleep on the couch. Phlox thinks just having me near will do the trick."

"You're not spending the night then." Hoshi's voice was getting hysterical.

"Yes I am. I think it's worth a shot, and if he has to, Phlox will order you t' do it."

Hoshi flew at him, her small fists flailing against his chest. "I'm not a child who needs a nanny because I'm afraid of the dark! I'm a grown woman! I can handle this! I don't need coddling! I don't need you!"

"Hoshi!" Trip took her wrists in one hand, pinning them behind her while his other arm held her tight against him. "You need help! There's no shame in that." Still holding her wrists he rubbed her back through her robe as her body relaxed slightly, her face buried against his chest.

"What's wrong with me? Why do I keep having these nightmares? Why won't they go away?" she sobbed. Trip just held her close, making soothing sounds until she settled down.

"It probably all came t' a head for you with Em's death. You've often been in the thick of things, an' I bet ya Starfleet didn't give you much trainin' on how t' take care of yourself or how t' deal with it. You feel you have no control over your life, over what's goin' on, and it comes out in your sleep. If my being here helps you recover, well then that's how it'll be."

"But what if I get too used to you being here? What if the nightmares go but I can't sleep without you next to me?" Hoshi's voice was muffled in the material of his shirt. "What will you wean me to then?"

Trip's hand stilled at her question. "You … you won't get used to me Hosh -- in fact, you'll probably be glad t' get rid of me." Letting go of her hands, he lifted her face and brushed tangled stands of hair off her face. "I've been told I snore, and hog the blankets."

Hoshi gave him a mischievous, albeit watery, grin. "I thought you were sleeping on the couch."

"So I am." They smiled at each other, in harmony again. Trip frowned though, as Hoshi rubbed her wrist. "You ok?"

"Yeah. But if I show up tomorrow afternoon with bruises Phlox is going to wonder what we're doing in here."

"Sorry, darlin'." Trip swept up her hand and planted a kiss on the inside of her wrist. "Better?"

Dazed at the casual intimate gesture, Hoshi could only nod.

"Let's go to bed then," Trip grinned at her.

They settled down to sleep, Trip bent into the couch and Hoshi in her bunk with Sylvester. The only sound for a while was their breathing and the hum of the engines.

"Trip?" Hoshi's voice was small in the dark.

"Hmm?"

"Why … how … you're handling Em's death rather well …"

"Says who?"

"I mean … you look like you are …"

Hoshi could hear Trip shifting on the couch; she turned her head and they looked at each other in the faint starlight.

"On the planet I was too busy makin' sure we survived, but that first night we were back … I relived the crash, but you died as well as Em. But not as quick. I held you as you died, could feel your life slipping away, and there wasn't anythin' I could do t' save you. And I knew it was all my fault …"

"But it wasn't your fault!"

"I know, but your subconscious doesn't care. I'm the Chief Engineer, I shoulda made sure the shuttle pod's engines were runnin' right, I shoulda been able t' land her with out killin' one of you …"

"How did you stop the dreams?"

Trip rolled over to gaze at the ceiling. "This wasn't the first time I've been around death. A small sub my Dad was in sank at the bottom of the reef he was reclaiming; for a while there we didn't know if he was dead or alive. He made it though, but two of his men didn't. I was assigned to the development team of the warp engine prototypes; you probably know that it seemed more often than not they would blow up, taking a few pilots with them. Those were tough; we felt responsible, that it was our fault the engines weren't workin', although with what little the Vulcans were givin' us it's a wonder we got any of it right."

He sighed heavily, and Hoshi wanted to reach out to him, to offer some comfort, but he was too far away.

"Anyway, Starfleet gives you some trainin' t' lean to cope with death, and the next mornin' I went see Phlox. One thing that helped me was to take control of my dreams, change the outcome. The engines failed; I started them back up. Em still died, but she lived long enough to tell me that she didn't blame me. Corny, but it works for me. Except for the one that was my fault … I can't change that --"

"The Vissian?" Hoshi asked softly.

"Yeah. I keep imagining how desperate he musta been, how he did it --" Trip's voice trailed off.

"Phlox suggested I try and alter what I was dreaming," Hoshi said, quickly changing the subject. "In my dreams I'm just so terrified I haven't been able to get hold of myself to try."

"I usually change the fear into anger. Then use that against whatever is happenin'." Shifting again, Trip looked at her. "You're strong, Hosh, more than you know. Give yourself a chance."

"Thanks. I'll try. Night, Trip."

"Night darlin'."


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight

"You haven't had a nightmare in a coupla days now, have you?" Looking over at Hoshi, Trip neatly sidestepped a gaggle of giggling alien children. They were taking the tour of the capital of the planet they just landed on, as apparently were quite a number of school kids.

"None to speak of. Although last night a Klingon showed up in a dream; I cursed him out and he was so impressed he swept me off my feet and we made mad passionate love." Hoshi peeked over at Trip from the corner of her eye.

An expression of disbelief and revulsion crossed his face, although he tried to control it. "That's good … I think …"

A peal of laughter filled the domed pavilion they were in, causing a few heads to turn and look at them. "I'm kidding! Well, about the mad passionate love part. I did cuss at him, and then he went away." A mischievous smile hovered on Hoshi's face.

Trip rolled his eyes and nudged her, smiling back. "Looks like I can finally move back t' my place." He grimaced dramatically, putting a hand to the small of his back. "Your couch is crampin' my style."

"You've helped a lot Trip." Hoshi looked up at him seriously, placing a hand on his arm. "Starfleet didn't prepare me for what could happen out here, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Thanks. I hope I still do as well without you there."

"Happy t' oblige, ma'am," he replied, tucking her hand into his arm as they continued through the pavilion. "You'll do fine. The past few days I've only stayed until you fell asleep anyway. And I'll always be there for you, Hosh, no matter what." They paused for a moment with the rest of the bridge crew, looking at a mural depicting some moment from this culture's history, although they couldn't for the life of them figure out what it was.

"You still owe me your first-born, you know."

Hoshi turned to stare at him. "What about the shore leaves? And the $372.00?"

"Don't need 'em," Trip told her, peering at the mural. "First-borns though … think I'll keep that marker."

"Hmph." Hoshi tugged on his arm as the group moved to the next display. "My husband might have something to say about that."

"I don't think there'll be any problem there …" Trip said under his breath, merely smiling at Hoshi as she thew him a puzzled glace, and moved with her out into the sunshine.

* * *

"It's a boy." The midwife handed the squirming bundle to Hoshi, who gazed down at his scrunched up face. She cooed at him, and the wail that was building was abruptly cut off as he blinked up at her, recognizing his mother's voice. 

Trip watched them, dumbfounded, and Hoshi gazed at him with a tender smile.

"Here," she said, handing her son over to his father with a laugh. "The first-born I promised you."


End file.
